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...Then my ice cream will be thawed!

So anyway i think Eric has given up posting sadly.

Also i have decided that i think i may try to start keeping a diary type thing on my laptop. I've tried this before and i'm never able to keep up with it, but maybe this year will be different.

But anyway i need something to clear my head and let my feelings out. For most normal people that would be a friend. However, since i don't have many of those, and none that i can really confide in or be completely myself around (other than my older cousin who lives too far away), i need another option.

So, with the school year rapidly approaching i am making new decisions on how to cope with people and my life and whatnot.

So for some reason i just felt like informing you on this.

Thank you for reading ♥

A Tortured Soul

Sorry for the confusion, but i just feel like i need to talk.

So, i just caught up on Eric's blog and at the end of his last post he said that he was ready to grow up...

Oh how i wish that i was in the same place as he was =/

Random complicated experience: trying to read the human-test-letters-thing-for-trying-to-post-a-comment while you have tears in your eyes.

Anyway so now i'm thinking about the future... again.

It's never good thoughts either especially when someone your own age, whom you've always related to, is suddenly ready and confident about it and you're not.

When i think about the future i can't see anything. It's just emptiness, darkness, an endless black abyss in my mind. It's just--

Death.

The End.

I am physically incapable of imagining a future for myself. I've never really been able to and frankly I'm a bit surprised that i've lived this long. When i was a kid (since it is becoming more and more obvious that soon enough i won't be anymore) i used to think that my inability to imagine a future meant that i was going to die at a young age. And as i get older and the abyss approaches me with gaining speed i become even more afraid that my younger self could've been right.

(It's been about 10 minutes since i've written anything because i have been thinking too much about the abyss or [if there isn't an abyss following me] then how i will ever survive not knowing how or what i want from my life or how i could ever accomplish anything on my own)

my thought just become more and more haunting because i cannot talk about this to anyone. My friends would worry about me and my mom thinks i'm just being silly or tells me not to worry because she's sure that i'll be fine. But how does she know?! She doesn't!

The only reason i trust this blog is because i feel like i'm talking to an inanimate object and even beneath that i know that only a couple of people will ever read this.

But i don't need people to worry about me and i don't want false hope.
I just want understanding and someone to confide in.
I want a best friend who understands me and i've always wanted that.
But i've always been a freak and a loner and an awkward socialist.

I don't see how i will ever survive in the real world.

My one true wish, my deepest desire: to exist in a storybook; to live as a character set to a plot.

I want my world to make sense, but i fear that it never will.

Thank you for reading ♥.

Thoughts

I haven't blogged in quite a while, but then again nothing has really been happening. And i just found out that Eric has been posting again so i will need to catch up on his blog later.

But for now i kind of just want to talk. I have been thinking A LOT about stuff. Mostly about friends and going back to school and getting older and stuff because 1. my birthday was last week and i am now 17 and 2. school is starting at the end of the month. Where did summer go? I'm already seeing back to school commercials and having my annual beginning-of-the-year nightmares (this year so far only about not finishing my summer work. I guess since i'm going to be a senior i'm not as afraid of getting lost in the school).

Anyway, i've been wondering for a while now and i both don't have anyone to talk to about it really and also feel weird bringing it up in person, but i will bring it up in this blog:
When you think about sharing personal thought or feelings or experiences with someone, is there one person that you usually imagine talking to?

I've just been wondering if that's normal or if it's just one of my strange qualities.
Since i've brought it up i suppose that i should explain my 'yes' response to the question.

Except for under certain circumstances when it would make more sense for me to tell someone something because i know that they can relate or whatever, there is one friend that i usually imagine talking to.
That friend's name is Josh.

I'm not sure why it's him, perhaps just because i feel so comfortable talking to him and can't really imagine him judging me as much as some other people might. Or perhaps merely because of the fact that all summer i have been looking forward to the two of us hanging out on August 16th which means that he is the first person i imagine talking too since i will see him again before most of my other friends.

I don't know for sure, but it'a kind of been driving me crazy for a while.

But i keep my thoughts tame by spending my life on youtube (even though the redesign and ad changes have been driving me crazy and making me angry) with my favorite people in the world! ♥

Um... no offense to my real life friends, i still love you all, but youtube friends are always there for you no matter what (as long as you have internet) and they can always put a smile on your face.

Anyway, enough with my obsession, I should leave.

Forever yours,
Danielle

Books Can Hurt

I know that i haven't posted in a while but to be fair not much has been happening other than packing for vacation (i leave tomorrow which is friday since i'm currently writing this at 3:00 thursday morning). Also, Eric hasn't been blogging either and though i know that he has been very busy and has an excuse i still feel a little abandoned.

Anyway, Today i started reading It's Kind of a Funny Story which i've owned and have wanted to read for almost a year now. Anyway, i wish that i had started it last month when i was already so depressed (and actually had some time to read). So, i'm kind of addicted to the book (both because it's entertaining and because i can relate to the main character and his thoughts) and i've read about 122 pages today already. However, the book makes me cry quite often because while he is being depressed and thinking thoughts that most normal people would just think 'that's sad' when reading, i read his thoughts and can relate to them. So then i think 'i understand' or 'i've been there' or 'i agree' or 'i think so/have thought so too' etc. Then i remember stuff related to his thoughts, my own thoughts or experiences and i cry not only because of the painful memories but also because it makes me fear that i actually am depressed. then i try desperately (and sometimes succeed) to find differences between his symptoms and mine.

Now i don't feel like sleeping even though i know that i should, but mostly i just want my mom to get up so that i can hug her even though i know that she will be mad that i am awake so late at night.

And so i guess i should be going, to attempt to sleep before a day full of packing.

Sleep well readers!

PS- I finally figured out how to fix the spacing issue in the blog! yay!

Routine

I figured it was about time for an update. Even though nothing new has really happened. Monday i had my first guitar lesson with my father and he taught me 3 things: 1. How to tune the guitar 2. The 4 basic chords (G, E minor, C, and D) 3. You don't learn during a guitar lesson, you learn between guitar lessons

Other than that my life has mostly just been following its usual routine. Which is why i would like to dedicate this post to routines. As much as routine frustrates me, it also helps keep me sane. So, I would like to share with you my daily routine.
1. wake up (usual pretty late over the summer)
2. check facebook, twitter, email, and then youtube
3. watch new youtube videos from people/series that i actually stay up-to-date on (with 2 exceptions)
4. talk to mom when she gets home
5. eat dinner
6. watch the 2 exception videos with my mom
7. watch tv with mom
8. say goodnight to mom
9. watch more tv/play technic pack
10. go to bed or hide in my room until mom has left for work (has yet to succeed)
Then of course there are lesser things in the weekly routine to discuss (i'm not sure why i'm sharing all of this but it is on my mind. feel free to quit reading here, you won't miss much):
Youtube videos i watch (when they're new): Tobygames: Zelda: The Skyward Sword, Minecraft, Skyrim, Happy Wheels(one of the two exception videos) Yogscest: anything minecraft (with a few exceptions) (also the other exception video) Wheezywaiter
TV schedule: Monday: i don't watch anything except occasionally i watch Hell's Kitchen and Master Chef with my mom
Tuesday: Total Drama Revenge of the Island; occasionally i watch Hell's Kitchen and Master Chef with my mom
Wednesday: Franklin and Bash is on too late for my mom so we watch it on demand over the weekend; Futurama
Thursday: Men at Work is on too late for my mom so we watch it on demand over the weekend; occasionally The Choice and Take me Out
Friday: Common Law Saturday night: marathon of Psych Sunday: nothing good usually =/ Late at night i usually watch Friends, sometimes Seinfeld, Futurama or The Office (on netflix).
So... Yeah I've pretty much just described my whole summer, but if anything else of interest happens you will be the first to know. Until then i will probably only make boring posts like this. Hoping that i didn't bore you to death! Danielle

Summer Goals

I could rant about some random stuff tonight (this morning?), but i'm too lazy to so instead i will keep my promise and discuss my goals for this summer. 1. Finish my 3 summer books, french packet, and AP calculus book work before august (probably not going to happen). 2. Learn the basics of playing guitar so that i can focus on learning songs during the school year (this is for my senior project next year so it must get done, tho my dad is supposed to help me and most likely won't). 3. Play the technic pack and work my way up to present day with Duncan's tutorial/adventure videos on youtube. Afterwards i will try to keep up with the new videos that come out too. 4. Practice underhand serving in badminton (this is because my friend Josh's senior project is going to be to start a badminton team/club at our school and he asked me to be a part of it). 5. Possibly start driving school if we can afford it. 6. A 1 week vacation in north carolina with my family from both connecticut and ohio. 7. Starting a youtube channel with my cousin and her boyfriend with all of us doing commentary/walkthroughs for video games. I beleive that is just about everything that i will be attempting to accomplish this summer. Wish me luck!

Do I Ever Sleep?

Before i even start this post the answer the title is rarely. But anyway, i would like to address again that i am a complete nerd, since that will play a big role in this post. So, first of all i should explain why i am still awake at 5 AM. Sadly, this will be a long story only likely to be extended severely due to the fact that i ramble more when i'm tired. Which, by the way, i don't feel very tired despite the lack of sleep. Well, as you may or may not know, this is the beginning of the 2nd official day of summer vacation and my 3rd day of summer vacation (i didn't need to come in the last day due to a lack of finals that day). Of course this means that i am yet again starting my horrible sleeping system, which i desperately want to avoid as much as possible this year mostly because of the goals i have for the summer (which i will discuss later). So rather than go to bed at 5 AM i am going to attempt to stay awake until at least 10 PM. Well back to the real story, i stayed up so late because i recently started playing with the technic pack (http://www.technicpack.net/) for minecraft. Anyway, i got kinda addicted to it. I started following a tutorial-ish thing for the tekkit pack (the multiplayer version) by a guy named Duncan whom i find entertaining. So while i was watching his videos i decided to try the singleplayer version of the mod and actually follow his tutorial. So from roughly 11:30 PM to 4:30 AM i was playing the game and following his tutorial until i decided how late it was and that i had no desire to attempt to learn something new this early in the morning. When i quit the game on my mom's laptop (since mine hates everything but vanilla minecraft) i desided to check everything (facebook, twitter, email, youtube) one last time before laying down to watch tv and possibly fall asleep. I never know why i check all of these social networks so often when i usually know that nobody is trying to contact me (especially past midnight) and i know around what times the youtubers that i watch post videos. But this morning when i checked twitter i saw that Eric had told me (as part of a conversation we were having on twitter earlier) that he hoped i would continue my blogging. At that point i realized that it might actually be good for me if i tried to keep up with this and so i began my writing. However, i believe that this post has gotten a bit too long and i am beginning to forget everything that i had wanted to say, so i will end this. My next post, if nothing else comes up, will most likely be about my goals for the summer. EXTRAS: I have been watching old episodes of Futurama all night. Every appearance of 'this morning' or any variation of that had to be retyped since i keep thinking of it being night, not morning. I do not understand why it gets rid of my spacing as soon as i publish a post.