Sorry for the confusion, but i just feel like i need to talk.
So, i just caught up on Eric's blog and at the end of his last post he said that he was ready to grow up...
Oh how i wish that i was in the same place as he was =/
Random complicated experience: trying to read the human-test-letters-thing-for-trying-to-post-a-comment while you have tears in your eyes.
Anyway so now i'm thinking about the future... again.
It's never good thoughts either especially when someone your own age, whom you've always related to, is suddenly ready and confident about it and you're not.
When i think about the future i can't see anything. It's just emptiness, darkness, an endless black abyss in my mind. It's just--
Death.
The End.
I am physically incapable of imagining a future for myself. I've never really been able to and frankly I'm a bit surprised that i've lived this long. When i was a kid (since it is becoming more and more obvious that soon enough i won't be anymore) i used to think that my inability to imagine a future meant that i was going to die at a young age. And as i get older and the abyss approaches me with gaining speed i become even more afraid that my younger self could've been right.
(It's been about 10 minutes since i've written anything because i have been thinking too much about the abyss or [if there isn't an abyss following me] then how i will ever survive not knowing how or what i want from my life or how i could ever accomplish anything on my own)
my thought just become more and more haunting because i cannot talk about this to anyone. My friends would worry about me and my mom thinks i'm just being silly or tells me not to worry because she's sure that i'll be fine. But how does she know?! She doesn't!
The only reason i trust this blog is because i feel like i'm talking to an inanimate object and even beneath that i know that only a couple of people will ever read this.
But i don't need people to worry about me and i don't want false hope.
I just want understanding and someone to confide in.
I want a best friend who understands me and i've always wanted that.
But i've always been a freak and a loner and an awkward socialist.
I don't see how i will ever survive in the real world.
My one true wish, my deepest desire: to exist in a storybook; to live as a character set to a plot.
I want my world to make sense, but i fear that it never will.
Thank you for reading ♥.
Growing up is only a conscious decision. You say to yourself one day, yes, I am getting older, and with it I am going to accept the responsibilities. And while you're never sure where you're going, or even where you want to go in the first place, facing the roads you choose, or the roads you're forced down, with confidence and passion is the only way you'll get anywhere. As long as you have faith in your strength of character, you'll keep moving. Growing up isn't about getting a license, or knowing what college you want to go to. It's about throwing yourself to the wind and thinking to yourself, I'll go wherever I'm blown to.
ReplyDeleteI want to believe that but i feel like no matter what i do I'm always told that it's not good enough and that i should be doing other things. I get so sick of other people making me feel like i'm not moving forward and that i'm heading into a black hole unless i make better choices. sometimes i just want to live for me.
ReplyDeleteAnd i miss having someone who understands that i can talk to about this stuff or anything and not feel self-conscious.
Thanks. :)